the *kiligers* list

For two special people across the globe =)

I'm not very romantic. I hate Valentines Day, I cringe at public proposals and I laugh at random sweet nothings. Very few things give me the *kiligers* rush. Take me to a movie and I'd choose a crime-thriller over a romcom/chick flick (although admittedly I'm on the One More Chance and My Amnesia Girl guilty pleasure bandwagon). Take me out to dinner and I'd probably be more excited to eat and analyse the meal than listen to your story (unless you're absolutely interesting). I like cheese, but when I say this, I mean the kind of cheese you have with vino and crackers and not the one you'll need vino and crack up about.

This is a bad thing, I know. I feel like I rarely give love a shot these days. I reckon it's because I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and when I fell off massively, I decided to be protective of it and just be more cautious about feeling too much. But hey - I'm not exactly THAT cynical. I still believe in good old romance, good old love and other *kiligers* things you associate it with. It just takes a lot to push my buttons I suppose.

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Old journal entry: on moving on

     Cynicism once taught me that relationships can only give you anything but good stuff. Exhausted tear ducts that cause emotional baggage evident in bulging eye maletas. Prescription drugs (abused or misused) to lessen anxiety attacks. Beer belly. Petitions to close down radio stations that play all those not-so-mainstream songs you once dedicated to 'the one who could've been'. A box of junk - his CDs, his shirts, movie and concert tickets when he once rocked your world. A bunch of bittersweet memories that leave you sleepless during the witching hours.

     Having tried a few relationships which didn't fare as expected, I once believed that enough is enough. Compulsory nights out with girl friends (where you shun the male species out of your world, or at least try to get new ones in your world) and waste-away time through dancing-slash-alcohol went on for a few weeks until it got tiring. I hit rock-bottom when I realised how miserable I was. Despite knowing and feeling that I was okay, there was something in me that felt.. empty. It's not the idea of being alone, e. It was just really hard to control emotions, to hold back and turn ice-cold towards every new opportunity that comes along. Bitching was therapeutic but equally painful. Especially when I had solitary contemplative moments that almost threw me off to the border of insanity.

     Screw cynicism, then.

     I do not believe in your 'passed/failed relationship' theory anymore. You won't get an 1 or a 5 in the end, anyway. No INCs too, because surely, I've learned that the presence of something can't always make up for the absence of another. Relationships do not have removals either because you can't take back what was already taken away, nor what was never there in the first place.

     The beauty of trying in love is that you get to learn a new thing every new time. You get to be the scientist working on the equation or formula of happy-ever-after. The key variable may be hard to define, but you'll be aware of it once it reaches you. Trust me, honey. There's no harm in trying again. Because when you do, it'll all be worth the wait.

     Give yourself a chance. You deserve it (and who knows, he might just deserve you).

     No harm in trying, dear. You've once said it, yourself - it's all just a game, an experiment. You be Player 1, you be the scientist. Game over, try again.

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Old journal entry: beyond the partition

     I've been geeking myself a lot, relating even the most trivial of everyday things to what I've learned in uni. I cannot not look at people without thinking of cross-cultural business, not listen to any advert without figuring out a company's marketing structure, not listen to ideas without thinking public relations, etc. Surely some time ago life was fun and spontaneous. It was so laidback you'd think it's a lazy sunny day in the summer. Wasn't it?

     To justify the previous paragraph, let's be slightly academic and use Nancy Adler's stages of culture shock model (yet again). I should be in the acculturation phase already - which does make sense. It's not so hard to fit in because people are quite welcoming and Bournemouth is so beautiful (especially now that Spring's arrived). There were times that I almost felt at home. I think I actually forgot that I'm in an entirely different country. But I forget about the things that make it beautiful. Sometimes, when I'm overly stressed about uni stuff I feel my aura become as grey as the English weather.

     This morning was slightly different. I woke up from an 8-hour power nap feeling like I haven't slept in ages. The sky was so grey and it wasn't such a lovely spring day. I wasn't in the mood. Grudgingly, I went to uni and prepared my dissertation draft for a while before meeting Dr. Bobeva, the programme leader herself. I realised that I still had a few hours to spare before our meeting, so I just drove around for a bit.

     The drive was quite... similar to what I've been feeling about my life since I moved away. I don't remember the journey. I have pictures to look at, so I remember a lot of things but I seem to have left out a lot of details and now I don't know how I got here. Sporadically, small chunks of memories pop in my head and I'd think, "oh yeah!" but it's not the same. And on the surface, I don't think I am the same. The past few days have been dragging me into a black hole of coursework. I feel a bit more technical, like a wind-up toy - people had to push me to function and when the time is up, I just stop.

     Anyway. So I met Dr. Bobeva. I was a nervous wreck but we went over my research study and surprisingly, she liked it. Very much. Very, very, very much. That, I think, was the tipping point. After the praise-filled session I went to the quad, sat on the bench and looked at the sky. As if on cue, the clouds parted and the sun shone. It was a rather beautiful awakening, the clouds made Bournemouth so grey but in contrast, the sun shone brightly in the middle. I just had to say one thing: Hallelujah! Thank you Lord.

     I realised how much I missed God in my life. I was too caught up in all the senseless brouhaha in the material world and I tried to conquer life on my own. I forgot that I'm not strong enough, that no one ever is. And so I asked Him back into my life.

     I've just finished seven long hours (straight) doing more uni stuff. I still feel like a wind-up toy, but I know I'm not going to stop. Because this time I let God do the pushing, and I know He'll lead me back to the me that I love. I know He'll eventually lead me back home.

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hair we go again

I love my hair. The state of it decides the state of my mood. I don't claim to have the nicest hair in the world but admittedly, it's my favourite part of my body. I don't really do much to it, except for daily conditioning and the occasional colour. I don't blowdry it, for fear of getting my ends tangled. I don't straighten it because it's naturally straight already - any form of straighening will make it flat. I don't curl it for fear of burning (although I've always announced how much I love wavy hair and have thought of digiperming it once). I don't use brushes or combs because I fear I might go bald. And I love my hair too much - I'd die if I go bald.

Because of this I'm quite picky when it comes to salons. Azta in Katipunan was the only salon I really liked. When I moved to the UK, I was pretty doomed. But I had no choice when my hair had to be trimmed - wala kaming lahing Edward Scissorhands. I've had a few cuts here and there but even Toni & Guy didn't quite cut it for me (pun intended). I remember spending way too much on three haircuts until finally some cheapy salon managed to get it right. Since then I'd always wait til my next Manila trip to go to good old trusty Azta. 

The past few months though, I've been bored of my hair - I've had it cut and done last January and my ends needed trimming. Last Saturday, I finally decided I wanted a change in colour and a bit of a trim...

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to sir, with love

When I attended college, I still wasn't sure whether I chose the right course. Because of this, I had my eye on attending Humanities 1 (Literature, Society & the Individual) to immerse myself in lectures that actually interested me and not my parents/ mates. However, when UP introduced the Revitalised General Education Program, I realised I couldn't take the course because our block was assigned KOM 1 (KOMUNIKASYON) as opposed to other BA blocks who got COMM 1 which was a pre-requisite of another pre-requisite of the elective.

So unless I waited another year to take the pre-requisites or exerted more effort and give up training time with the UP Street Dance Club, there's just no way. During those days, dancing was such a huge part of my life (read: sanity) and despite the long hours of training after classes I was not willing to let it go. So I weighed my options and realised I can actually take Humanidades 1, the Filipino version. The only thing about this was that... I read the syllabus and got a pretty good mindfuck. Pucha naman and all that.

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Cool Original

I love crisps and you know, much of a foodie I am, I’d choose a bag of Walkers and cuddle time with you over a decent meal for comfort. But you know how much I hate Doritos Cool Original. Too salty.

The other day while food shopping I missed you so I bought a bag, tore it open and devoured every single triangle. So that I can feel close to you.. so that I can remember the taste of your lips after movie night.. so that I can feel comforted by something to remember you by.

I was down to the crumbs and realised that despite however many corn chips I’ve consumed, I still felt empty. You’re still far away. And that I never really liked Doritos Cool Original.

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the holiday

Have you ever had a holiday that changed your life? I have. It's been a year since that holiday and life's not been the same.

I remember feeling antsy about this holiday for several reasons:

• It was my first Manila visit in three years. Things are different. Nerves.
• My mom invited S & M from Australia, both whom I have not seen in over a decade. With my cousin D in tow I was worried about the social dynamics in the house and when I wanted to go out with friends.
• My flight got delayed by the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland.
  

When I got home though, all the reasons flew off the window and it felt different from the last time I was home. In 2007 I spent about three months in the Philippines. A year of being away felt like a nanosecond but my, how have things changed. My parents have just moved into a new house, my friends have been all over the place (either growing up or still revelling about glory days), buildings have popped around the metro. I felt like a stranger in my own element; things weren't the same and I was itching to fly back to the UK. In 2010 I went back for less than a month - the house still felt new, my friends were still all over the place and more buildings have popped. Things were even more different and things were stranger, but this time around I felt comfort in all the strangeness and despite the many things waiting for me in London... I didn't want to leave.

I don't know what changed in those two and a half weeks, but when we landed back in Heathrow something was completely amiss and absolutely different. It may have been that we were faced with 3°C when we were just getting used to tropic heat. It may have been that we've all clicked brilliantly and all worries about clashing personalities melted at 'Hello'. It may have been that exploring your home as a stranger with other strangers makes you realise how beautiful it is, and you appreciate the little things more. It may have been that despite London calling me back to reality Manila will always make me feel like home. Maybe it's because I knew all along that I've not changed - I'm just... healed. Maybe. Who knows.

I still think about that holiday from time to time, and I am grateful that things panned out the way they did. It made me realise how much I've missed my old self, and how much of her I still am.

Things have changed since then and things are changing still.

27 before 27 blog countdown: 37 more to go!

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in your love, my salvation lies

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 30 - a song that makes you want to help the world

Alexi Murdoch - Orange Sky

One of the most beautiful songs I've heard (and possibly one of the most used songs on TV). I love how calming the tune is, how simple but strong the words are, and how simply great this song makes one feel. In a world full of unfortunate events, this song pretty much makes me believe that we are all connected children of the sun - and that we will eventually find salvation in each other's arms.

And so this 30-songs-meme challenge ends. I hope yous all wake up to an orange sky. =)

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what in the world can make a brown eyed girl turn blue?

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 29 - a song from your childhood

Roxette -The Look

My dad loved Roxette. I remember listening to their albums on repeat during roadtrips. Uso pa casette tape that time, no CDs yet. I wasn't really into them and was absolutely disturbed by Per Gessle's hairstyle. I learned to appreciate their songs and other than good old Pretty Woman's It Must Have Been Love, I'm sure everyone's familiar with Dangerous, Listen To Your Heart and Joyride. This one's my favourite, though. Such a catwalk favourite then, I'd imagine. And if you're unlucky enough you'll probably hear me (trying to) sing it in the shower. Har.

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What a wonderful life now all aligned

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 28 - a song that makes you feel inspired and creative

Greg Laswell - What A Day

I just love how this song feels so hopeful and inspirational despite the uncertainties and wordplay - when I listen to it I can't help but be reminded of how much some of us have and how much we can all give to those who have less. 

The first line never fails to bring a smile on my face and to uplift my spirits (what a day to be alive). It makes me feel that all the drama I'm getting are just mere bumps on the road and that I still have more things to be grateful for. Like being alive for another day to actually be able to make some sort of change, or to touch someone's life. Like surviving tragedy and being able to rise from the fall. Like having a day off to do something productive or nonsensical or whatever tickles your fancy. 

Every new day is different, I suppose. And every new day is a chance to do something to make your life better. ;)

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i need someone to put my trust in

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 27 -  a song you wish you can play

Newton Faulkner - I Need Something

Newton Battenberg (not the cake!) Faulkner may not be one for looks but he's an amazing musician. His debut album Hand Built By Robots (includes Dream Catch Me, a cover of Massive Attack's Teardrop, the shamefully short but brilliant Sitar-y Thing and All I Got) is ace, with his straight-on vocals and beautiful lyrics and his modern folky-alternative vibe. I heard this song ages ago whilst shopping at H&M Regent Street (good tunes!) and I was kicking myself because I didn't have Shazam or TrackID on my berry so I just had to track the words down and Google them when I got home. Loved it. And love the whole album too!

Speaking of great guitar hits, another tune I'd love to play would be Prince's solo on the Beatles' classic While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Check out the suit, and the rockstar attitude. Amazing.

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What would you say if I took those words away

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 26 -  a song you can play on an instrument

Extreme - More Than Words

When I was 11 I asked for a guitar for my birthday because I was so in love with this song. Nevermind Nuno Bettencourt's and Gary Cherone's nakaka-insecure na long hair (uso naman yun before!) in the video. I wanted to play this song. I (painfully) taught myself how to read chords and bought heaps of song books and sheet music. The first song I ever played in confidence was not even a song, but an advertisement jingle. When I finally got better I decided to tackle the guitar tapping bit. It's quite easy naman pala if you're really dedicated and passionate about learning.

Unfortunately my attention span flew off to sports and erm, boys, haha. So my skills are undercooked. I can still read chords, but like my old guitar gathering dust in my parents' old attic, I'm quite squeaky and in need of tuning. This song, as well as other songs I can still play the intro to, but I'll need a song book to remind me of the chords. Otherwise, I think I'll forever be your intro-girl ;)

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oh aren't you random?

I need to sort myself out - literally. I've always been (semi-)organised but the past few weeks have flung by so quickly that I feel like I really need to step it up a bit. My planner has been screaming 'USE ME! USE ME!' and I've been ignoring the poor thing, abandoning it by my bedside table when I really should be carrying it around. But because I've got a few number of things I want to blog about - and not much time to do so - I shall do it randomly, in bullets.

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i would like to be your girlfriend so i could dump you

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 25 -  a song that makes you laugh

Darwin Deez - Bad Day

I love the redemption line in the end. =D

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And I will never, never, never grow so old again

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 24 -  a song that you want to play at your funeral

Van Morrison - Sweet Thing

Van Morrison's Astral Weeks is a music library staple at my parents' house and this track is possibly one of the songs I've been constantly listening to since birth. I think I've pretty much I want this played at my funeral because the words are just so apt and because death, albeit sad, really is a sweet, weet thing.

The Lewis Brothers' cover is an awesome piece too, with a more subdued, mellow feel:

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sleight of hand and twist of fate

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 23 -  a song that you want to play at your wedding

Vitamin String Quartet (Tribute to U2) - With or Without You 

U2's version is definitely one of my top 3 favourite songs of all time. I wrote this snippet somewhere some time ago after watching Bono make every other girl jealous for pulling an awesome stunt in one of their concerts in Boston:

The Right One will sing this to me, making me feel a million times luckier than the girl Bono handpicked and sang to because even if he can’t sing like a million quid I know that he will mean every word, and that out of the six billion people in the world he will always, always choose me.

I heard the String Quartet version off a bootlegged CD in high school and have heard different songs from bands they've paid tribute to but this has got to be my favourite. Love love love this song - and though I'm not sure when I'd be ready to walk the aisle, at least I've got my wedding march figured out. ;)

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well are you getting over while I'm getting by

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 22 - a song you listen to when you're sad

Chungking - Following

In truth, when I'm feeling the blues, this list comes to mind:

• Hed Kandi Winter Chill 06.04
• a 2-hour soak in a steamy bath
• a bottle of white zinfandel or German riesling
• coconut bombs

That album is an awsome downer-slash-pick me upper. You feel sad because the songs wail for you in a way you can't imagine but you feel slightly safe because someone else has been in your shoes. Chungking's Following is one of my favourite tracks. Because usually, sadness comes with knowing that things won't go your way even when you've tried your hardest. And no, it's not just love I'm talking about.

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inside my head a giant screen plays every scene

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 21 - a song you listen to when you're happy

 

Francis Magalona - Girl Be Mine

I was going to post an entirely different tune for this entry until this song blasted off my speakers and then I realised... oh yes. This was THE ONE. I remember hearing this when I was too young to even comprehend what the song was about (okay, perhaps I had an inkling but yeah...) and loving it because of the tune. One of those songs you listen to when you just feel good. Like waking up with the sun on your face and it's breezy outside. Like having a late night out with your friends and crawling under your sheets sober enough to remember everything. Like falling in love for the first time. Like happiness. =)

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now double your money and make a stack

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 20 - a song you listen to when you're angry

This post deserves a few songs not because I get angry a lot, but because I go through stages when I'm angry - and by angry, I mean really really angry. It takes a lot to push my buttons but when they do I am almost not myself.

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But I said it so you'd feel involved with the song

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 19 - a song from your favourite album

New Radicals - I Hope I Didn't Just Give Away The Ending

Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too was such an epic album. I saw You Get What You Give on MTV and bought it the next day. I remember playing it on loop for ages that my dad would often say I should really get a new CD to listen to. I did buy more CDs but I always end up playing MYBBT when I get tired of the new ones. Very few non-'best of' albums have that effect on me (K's Choice - Almost Happy '02 Release, DMB - Crash, Bamboo - Light Peace Love, Eraserheads - Circus, U2 - The Joshua Tree to name a few).

The band was long gone after MYBBT and this song, albeit unreleased, has been one of my favourites from the album. Excuse the long as blurbing on the intro. It actually is part of the song. ;)

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faster than you'll ever know

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 18 - a song you wish you heard on the radio

 Citizens - Avalanches

I wish the Citizens get signed already! I used to work w/ bassist Ed Smith (spot him in his onesies and his beautiful wife dancing in fishnets) and when he said he was in the band A and I made sure we caught them at their gigs. I've been to a few and I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised with their sound - commercial enough but distinctly relevant. One day maybe we'll all hear them on the radio. Can't wait to catch them at their next gig. =)

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take your time, take your sexy time

PART OF THE 30-DAY SONG MEME CHALLENGE

day 17 - a song you hear often on the radio

Chris Brown feat. Benny Benassi - Beautiful People

With the Rihanna issue and the tantrum on Good Morning America, Chris Brown is now officially resident douchebag of the RnB world. But you can't blame the guy for blasting catchy, radio-play-worthy tunes. This one's different from his tracks and clearly a favourite.

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